To succeed at just about anything, we need to change our habits. However, changing habits is far more difficult than it sounds.
The habits represent “what” to do but are missing “why”. That’s why we need to dig deeper.
Where it happens
There is a distinctive mechanism we can call a “soul”. It is present until vital signs cease, and at some point of bodily decay we can’t bring it back.
We distinguish this soul as a separate “personhood” from our bodies. It means we don’t consider an amputee 10% less of a person.
Within this soul, we have a “will”, which makes decisions.
Why we decide
We make decisions for 2 major reasons:
- We want to do them.
- We don’t like what may happen if we don’t do them.
In other words, we either do things because we either feel like doing them (#1) or we must (#2).
- Except for addiction, every fun thing we do is strictly because we feel like doing it.
- However, most things we do in life are because much, much worse things may happen if we don’t do them.
And, in general, we feel better doing what we like and feel drained by what we don’t.
The risks of feelings
Naturally, not everything we feel like doing is good for us. Some are simply unhealthy or wrong. Losing one’s temper, for example, feels good at the moment but can lead to words better left unsaid.
Further, we also have a nasty problem of moral balancing. We will often start into a good habit, and then a moment of frustration will destroy our gains.
At any moment along our path, our souls will feel so oppressed and confined that they stage an open rebellion. We create very real risks whenever we must do things that don’t align with what we feel.
While habits are important, any time our feelings don’t align with our actions risks our inevitable failure. Any skills or natural talent will only postpone our downfall.
The cure
Our feelings are why focusing on habits alone can’t work. The fancy word for that approach is “behaviorism”, and at some point we’ll fall back into our old ways.
While habits will trump feelings, we must pay attention to what we desire. We must look behind what we do into why we do it.
Specifically, we need to look at our attitude, which is the set of beliefs that motivate us to do anything.
Unfortunately, it isn’t always this simple.
The problem
“What” we’re doing is often difficult to understand. “Why” we do things is even more difficult.
Habits, by their design, are automatic behaviors. They’re “what” we do, but we don’t have to think about them at all. Most of the time, we only notice bad habits when bad things happen from them.
Thoughts and our subsequent attitude, on the other hand, are just as automatic. But, we can only detect them when we’re looking inward.
Starting the solution
To look inward, we have to start by figuring out what is inside versus outside us. They are two genuinely different worlds:
- There is the world of reality that has money, people, and cars.
- Our minds map the power of money, relationships with people, and our concepts of purpose onto what we observe. This is a separate world entirely.
Most people who aren’t neurodivergent have a decent-enough grasp on this. However, everyone first developed their set of views when they were learning to talk. It is, therefore, not that precise.
Or, to put it more precisely, we must use a very fine measurement for what we can and can’t control:
- You’re able to do tasks, but you can’t make others do tasks.
- You can control what you say, but not how others respond.
- While you can build or fix something, you have no power over how long the parts will hold together.
Accepting the bigger problem
To state it bluntly, our desired results are always far greater than we are ever able to achieve.
- Even if you’re an entrepreneur, a glamorous job always requires many people consenting somehow that you can do it.
- Acquiring lots of wealth (and more importantly, keeping it) requires doing things where people want to pay you money.
- Becoming highly skilled in any specialized role involves accepting just how many things you can’t be good at.
In other words, your decisions won’t matter much today, so you won’t feel like you’re making much progress.
However, no matter your position in life, some people have definitely started where you’re at and out-succeeded than you. This means it’s not hopeless.
Start small
Therefore, we must demote the large-scale silly goals we made when we were children:
- “I want to go to the moon!”
- “When I grow up, I’m going to be a doctor!”
- “Someday, I’m going to invent something that’ll change the world!”
These goals become more reasonable in the process:
- “I want to work in astronomy.”
- “I want to work in the medical field.”
- “I’d like to make things.”
And, with those goals in mind, we can make rational efforts.
- Start studying an online course.
- Get a low-rank job in an industry you like.
- Watch videos online to start learning how to do things.
Aim for things that take 2 minutes to start doing and have zero downsides. More time, and you might second-guess yourself.
This isn’t that easy
This would be easy, but we tend to let mental illness and shame get in the way of thinking clearly:
- We usually self-deceive ourselves about who we are.
- Most of us have chronic shame interfering with healthy thinking.
You can usually catch yourself in the act of dumb thinking by observing your inner dialogue:
- “I should do (task).”
- “If I don’t do (task), (bad thing) will happen.”
- “I can never do (task) correctly.”
This is the brain stem talking. You don’t need to prove it wrong, but you have to add some doubt to it:
- “Why should I do (task)?”
- “What bad things will actually happen in all likelihood if I don’t do (task)?”
- “Why am I assuming my past performance shows future results?”
If you want, you can use the ACT model by dividing your desires into clear observations, feelings, needs, and desires:
- (Observation) has happened…
- …which makes me feel (Feeling).
- I need (Need).
- Therefore, I now would like to (Desire).
Be honest
Absolutely every bit of self-reflection requires radical honesty. It means disregarding what we feel to accept the truth for what it really is.
Let’s use an example with the above ACT model:
- “I lost my job, which makes me feel worthless. I must get a new job, which I don’t believe I can get because I’ve had trouble in the past. Therefore, I hate myself and will now waste time on social media.”
By doing this, we can more easily divide out our problems:
- “I lost my job, which makes me feel worthless. I need a new job, which I don’t believe I can accomplish…”(WAIT, STOP RIGHT THERE)
- “Why do I believe I can’t accomplish that?”
- “I don’t believe I’m any good at the job hunt, which makes me depressed. I need a new job, but it’s hopeless…”(WAIT, STOP AGAIN)
- “Why do I assume it’s hopeless?”
- “I feel hopeless because I don’t believe I can work for anyone.”
- Conclusion: “Actually, I need to change my belief that I can’t do anything or that it’s hopeless.”
By dividing out what we perceive and changing things that are logically inconsistent, things often become very clear:
- “I lost my job, which makes me feel worthless. I need a new job. Therefore, I now would like to search for a job.”
- “I now have a hangover from drinking, which makes me feel sick. I need to not feel sick. Therefore, I now would like to not drink as much.”
- “My boyfriend just left me, which makes me feel betrayed. I need to be a better judge of others’ behaviors. Therefore, I now would like to learn the right way to trust people.”
Aim for your values
As long as you’re pursuing what you know to be right, you can sleep well at night.
- Even when you are not doing the right thing but are open to discovering it, the universe will inform you.
Most of the time, we violate our standards because we feel out of control. By focusing strictly on what we can control and releasing the rest, we become extremely powerful in the process.
You won’t fail
In this context, your failures will become learning opportunities.
- You’ll likely find out that your education, low-paying job, or skills aren’t what you wanted. You’ll be more prepared than hoping and dreaming for something that won’t happen.
- At the very least, you will also visit every future goal knowing what you don’t want to do.
Plus, even if we find a separate problem under the first problem, we’ve now made some type of forward movement. It feels a lot better to work on fixing an issue than helplessly hoping it goes away.
Or, you may have been fortunate enough to accurately predict what you wanted. At that point you’ll be able to set more reasonable goals you can achieve.