How to Make Habits Stick

Most self-help books provide variations of a few core solutions:

  1. A list of tasks to perform to succeed at something, often with anecdotes and success stories to make it easy to read for the dumbest reader.
  2. A contrarian list of things that the first list of tasks overlooks, usually framed with counter-cultural rhetoric (e.g., “What Every Author Gets Wrong About Making Cheese!”).
  3. Specific attitudes and perspectives necessary for success, typically with many assertions and anecdotes that validate the approach (e.g., “19 Principles For Successful Selfishness”).

These are all often effective, but only to a point.

Typically, people broadly understand what to do: eat right, exercise daily, pay bills on time, make friends, etc. If knowing what to do was the problem, the information age would have eradicated or removed all of society’s issues.

The “what” isn’t the problem as much as the “how”, and “how” we do things comes through “habits“. From the moment you wake up to the moment you lie down every day, your body is in a perpetual state of flow from one habit to the next.

What Habits Are

While the consequences and context for habits can become elaborate, habits themselves are simple to understand:

  1. A trigger is provoked somewhere.
  2. A method is carried out.
  3. At the end of the method, a reward hits the brain’s pleasure center, which makes the trigger easier to act on the next time.

Our brains can create rewards for anything:

  • A conviction or hope for the future can motivate us to carry on through pain.
  • Even something that doesn’t appear to have a reward, like resting or procrastinating, has its reward in not dealing with the issue at that moment.
  • We will very frequently keep persisting in a bad habit, even when we know it’s not a good thing to do or a reward isn’t coming, sometimes only because we’re familiar with it.

Whenever any thought or action is done a second time, a habit starts forming.

When you analyze them, every habit consists of indefinitely divisible sub-habits. As an example, imagine you wish to write your friend a handwritten letter:

  • (while sitting at a desk)
  • TRIGGER[1] I decide to write a handwritten letter to my friend.
  • METHOD[1]/TRIGGER[2] I decide to grab a piece of paper and pen next to me.
    • METHOD[2]/TRIGGER[3] I extend my arm toward the paper.
      • METHOD[3] I grab the paper and pull it back.
    • REWARD[3]/TRIGGER[4] I have paper and now need a pen.
      • METHOD[4]/TRIGGER[5] I extend my other arm toward the pen.
        • METHOD[5] I grab the pen and pull it back.
      • REWARDS[2][4][5] I have a pen and paper.
  • TRIGGER[6] I wish to write the word “Dear”.
    • METHOD[6]/TRIGGER[7] I must write the letter “D”.
      • METHOD[7] I use a downward stroke, then a curved stroke upward.
    • REWARD[7]/TRIGGER[8] I must write the letter “e”.
      • [Continue on for as long as you wish to write]
  • REWARD[1] I’ve written a letter!

Any action or thought is, in a sense, a string of hundreds or thousands of split-second maneuvers committed to subconscious memory:

  • One of the most entertaining aspects of babies is watching them learn basic habits for things like “grab” and “extend finger”.
  • Successfully operating any object, practicing an instrument or learning to speak a foreign language are more elaborate versions of what babies do.
  • Any mastery of a craft is simply the fine-tuning of habits to achieve extreme precision.

The beauty of habits is that these mundane details don’t cloud our consciousness, which lets us to focus our decisions on better things like where to eat, what color dress to wear, or what religion to observe.

We are creatures of habit. Except for whatever we call the soul that makes us human, all animals are merely mental and physical habit machines. Even abstract, non-habit things like feelings and beliefs are partly made of habits.

These trigger-method-reward habits expand outward from our present awareness as well:

  • We hold a record of past habits as a set of stories that we call “memory”.
  • We can apply these patterns into the future to create thought-based habits called “expectations”.
  • When we’re around others, we create back-and-forth habits called “culture”.
  • When we build new things, we can make habits for those things, which we call “skills”.

The power of habits can’t be understated. If everyone were to perform habits correctly, all humanity would live in a perfect society. And, badly managed habits slowly devolve into pure evil.

Problems with Habits

There is a problem with these habits as well. Every person alive uses old methods based on old triggers from past trauma and our upbringing to attain rewards that will never happen.

Often, we’ll use complicated mental tricks to keep an established bad habit going while offsetting it with other, better actions elsewhere. This is usually because we still crave the old reward, even when reality prevents that reward from ever happening again.

Habits are the easiest way to go through life, even when they’re not wise or sane. It’s an automatic response, so it’s a very unaware existence. They define our ability to define tasks, persevere in those tasks, and self-regulate our existence. They also contribute to our conflict management skills and how we make friends.

Changing the Habits

Habits stoutly oppose change. They provide a familiar connection in our minds to things we absolutely knew were true before (assuming we’re not veering into an existential crisis).

Changing habits is difficult because it’s a plunge into The Great Unknown. Most people only decide to change habits when they feel an external goal in their environment: give it up for Lent, make a New Year’s Eve resolution, or realize a substance is destroying their life.

Some habit changes will trigger a survival impulse. Survival triggers are powerful enough to make us respond as if an imaginary thing is reality (e.g., heart rate increase from scary movies, pain from hearing a story).

However, as hard as they are to change, habits don’t need much changing to start seeing dramatic results. Over time, any change to a habit will compound itself. If it were measurable, a 1% daily shift would become about 3,778% over a year.

It doesn’t really matter where you start. Changing something will create ripples across everything else, and accomplishing a later objective often requires the cumulative skills of previous years’ training.

There’s no formal system that works for everyone: your journey is unique to you because your issues, personality, and the way you attack them will be unique.

Removing Rewards

Removing rewards isn’t very reliable. It activates the above-stated trigger deep within the brain stem.

Our higher-order thoughts can’t fight those deep sensations indefinitely, no matter how much willpower we have, so we can only persist in removing rewards if there’s another reward we have in place to meet our needs.

Removing Triggers

We have very limited control over triggers because, beyond other thoughts, triggers come from our environment.

We certainly can remove some triggers:

  • Boredom
  • Depression and despair
  • Excitement and elation (especially when you’re in love)
  • Advertisements and references to things in popular media

However, this only removes the worst offenders. If we wish to exist in society, we’re constantly assaulted by triggers beyond our control. In fact, the only time you can fully control your triggers is inside a cult.

Adding Triggers

What’s far easier, though, is to add triggers, which give us context to do better things. We can augment these triggers through better workflow, better friends, and placing things we wish to use in readily accessible places.

Another easy way to add triggers is to pay close attention to our environment. Creating a trigger in a specific location or with a specific set of circumstances is relatively easy to do. If you want to go further, visit a new environment entirely to avoid any interference from memories.

Modifying Rewards

Modifying rewards isn’t very straightforward.

If we try to add pain to the reward (e.g., snap a rubber band on the wrist), that small act can make the action more challenging. Against intuition, that extra challenge can give us more reward when we perform the forbidden action.

So, the only way to stop the desire for a reward is through a strong counter-reward: have something better in mind.

But, it’s easy to veer into the other extreme of excess. Gluttony can become anorexia, excessive spending can become cheap, and sleep deprivation can become laziness.

Counter-rewards can kill a bad habit, but they don’t build any steps toward wellness.

Changing Methods

Changing methods has more staying power:

  • Correctly changing methods is much easier than removing triggers.
  • Changing methods avoids the rollercoaster of a survival impulse.

It also gives nuanced control over what you want:

  • Instead of smoking 4 cigarettes a day, smoke 3.
  • Instead of staying up 4 hours past your bedtime, stay up 3 and a half.
  • Stop at a second helping instead of a third.
  • Throw your dirty laundry in the room with the laundry hamper instead of next to the entryway.
  • Place one thing where it’s supposed to go each day.

Using language, either written or spoken, to clearly define what you want has a dramatic impact on our willpower:

  • “I will [behavior] at [time] in [location].”
  • “After [current habit] I will [new habit].”
  • “Even when I feel [craving], I will [new habit].”

Other people won’t likely notice this sort of change. But, if you’re setting your goals correctly, changing any method can also create a mental reward that you actually did something.

Over time, your self-discipline will naturally become stronger, which can empower larger goals:

  • Drink a cup of coffee instead of smoking that last cigarette.
  • Plan for what you’ll do in the morning when you go to bed a little earlier.
  • Go for a run instead of getting a second portion.
  • Move your laundry hamper somewhere more convenient.
  • Organize each drawer as you encounter clutter.

Changing methods is a comparatively lower effort, but you won’t feel the results as quickly: 1,000 miles a single step at a time. You’ll just look up from your routine and notice you’ve accomplished something spectacular.

Plus, there’s a much lower risk of a relapse later than with most other approaches. Easing slowly into something won’t create a shock, but it’s pretty jarring to see yourself doing what Old You did once you’ve tempered yourself a bit.

Finding Cravings

All habits fulfill needs and wants, so we never actually remove a habit unless we change what we crave.

If you have trouble discerning your cravings from all the extra information mixed into it, swap out the rewards:

  1. Keep something with you to write down your ideas and a 15-minute timer.
  2. When a trigger happens, swap out the original reward for a reasonable alternative and perform the activity.
  3. Write down the first three things that come to mind, even if they don’t have any direct connection to what you did.
  4. Set your alarm for 15 minutes, then ask if you still have that urge.
  5. Trigger recollection of the original event by reviewing those three things, which should give a good analysis of whether that reward connects to that craving.
  6. Repeat as many times as necessary (after 3–4 times with various rewards, you’ll likely know precisely what you were craving).

Often, combining things we need to do with things we want to do works very effectively:

  • Every time you finish a task, give yourself a treat.
  • Each time you avoid a bad habit, state an encouraging phrase to yourself.
  • Create a ritual for when you accomplish something significant.

Reinforcing Routines

Finally, in whatever form you approach your habits, never stop the ones you want. Repetition solidifies neural paths in the brain, but it takes 1–12 months (though small ones may take as little as 21 days). The more familiar the context and the more frequently you do them, the faster and more fixed the habits become.

You’ll get habits done faster by obsessing over any backsliding, even if nobody else notices. At that point, a competing desire is offsetting what you’re trying to accomplish, and you must know what causes your conflicting cravings to prevent doing it a second time. Once you do it a second time, it’s the beginning of a new habit or reverting back to a bad one.

We usually stop a good habit when a conflicting trigger interferes with it. Self-restraint is about ignoring or avoiding triggers, not using raw willpower against them as they arrive.

One of the easiest ways to rebuild habits is to use slogans, mantras, and sayings. They refresh us with reminders of what we already know.

Expanding on Habits

Radically successful people use every reward as the trigger for something else they want to accomplish, which creates a chain of actions that whip toward any purpose they want. They’re not really doing anything different from what we already do, but they’ve taken control of that natural momentum.

All long-term learning and change come through healthy habits because they compound over time. Repetition creates conviction, makes success second-nature, and makes “good” become “normal”.

It’s Not Easy

None of the changes through habits are instant, and it takes weeks, months, and years to see visible results. Plus, a new habit never materializes consistently until the new trigger creates the craving for the new reward.

For that reason, we do need to find motivation to persevere until we start reaping what we’ve sown. Religious devotion or a clear set of results we want to see are a near-necessity for inner transformation because they fuel cravings that don’t link to satisfaction in the present moment.

Changing habits is also not pleasant. Self-discovering bad habits requires introspection from the routine backward into the cravings to discover and the feelings and motivations that drive those cravings, along with humble acceptance without shame or blame.

It also requires trust that we can change and that it will yield positive consequences. The safest way to parse the experience is to take the decisions day-by-day.

It’s also a risk. Our story-based brains will define our beliefs based on the end of the experience, so we must stick through the difficult aspects to avoid creating worse habits.

Thus, before anyone can change anything, every aspect of self-growth uses some rephrasing or another of a few blunt facts:

  1. Other people have hurt you, and it’s now your problem to fix inside yourself.
  2. Nobody cares about you as much as you do, with the possible exception of God.
  3. You’re fully responsible for what you do, even when you’re unaware, and you have no excuse.
  4. You’re currently reaping what Past You did, and Future You will feel what you are doing today.
  5. The limit of what you can do for yourself is how much you believe in yourself.
  6. Pain is always a sign that something is at risk, but that might be a good thing.
  7. No matter how you feel, you can do almost any activities if you pay attention to your results and do the most with any successes you make.

We also must learn to be “okay” with habits that have only slightly improved from the day before. Nobody’s perfect, and all-or-nothing approaches to habits (e.g., going “cold turkey”) rarely work.

If the habit is associated with a vice (e.g., a substance), it’s not worth focusing on complete abdication. Instead, focus on a postponement. You’ll indulge that particular bad habit…next time.

Since it isn’t easy, the fact here in this last section don’t get into many books, since the free market of ideas steers book sales away from discouraged readers. Most of them instead focus heavily on what to change.

Aim for Adequacy

You’re already “good” at some things, which you can spread across others to become “adequate” at everything:

When you’re not good at something, the consequences get way worse as you get older. This means meaningful results that weren’t present before become harder to achieve as you age.

Don’t set high standards. I have personal experience with being lousy at many things, and that’s human nature. Working on your failings makes your more redeeming qualities shine brighter, but you typically won’t become the master of something you’ve always sucked at.

Start Small

Attitude is the most essential thing, not aptitude.

Focus on only one straightforward, specific thing that takes less than 2 minutes to perform.

  • Premeditate what you will do: “When X happens, I will do Y”.

Stay consistent.

  • If you do one small thing every day, you’ll move faster than if you do a big thing once in a while.
  • Slow is smooth, smooth is steady, and steady is fast.
  • Aim for precision more than results.
  • Rome wasn’t built in a day, and the structure of habits means nothing worth doing is quick.

Set reasonable goals that you believe you can achieve.

  • Only go after the bigger ones after you do those.
  • Even if it’s lame, aim to only do what you know you can achieve.

Often, before we get to physical habits, we may need to fix our mental habits.

  • Start by never saying: “I should do [thing])”.
  • Instead, divide out your desires into a clear syntax of observations, feelings, needs, and desires:
    1. [Observation] has happened…
    2. …which makes me feel [Feeling].
    3. I need [Need].
    4. Therefore, I now would like to [Desire].
  • This, ideally, makes it very clear how to behave:
    • “I lost my job, which makes me feel worthless. I need a new job. Therefore, I now would like to search for a job.”
  • However, our mental habits from our past often complicate this:
    • “I lost my job, which makes me feel worthless. I need a new job, which I don’t believe I can accomplish, and I have had trouble in the past, so I therefore hate myself.”
  • The solution is to take it step-by-step and divide it out slowly:
    1. “I lost my job, which makes me feel worthless. I need a new job, which I don’t believe I can accomplish…”(WAIT, STOP RIGHT THERE)
    2. “I don’t believe I can accomplish the job hunt, which makes me depressed. I need a new job, but it’s hopeless…”(WAIT, STOP AGAIN)
    3. “I feel hopeless because I don’t believe I can work for anyone.”
    4. (Conclusion: I must change my belief about my incompetence)

TLDR

Everything action-based in our subconscious is built around habits:

  1. A sight/sound/smell/thought/whatever that’s a trigger.
  2. The trigger creates a method that goes through a mental and physical routine.
  3. That method maintains itself because it fulfills a reward that comes at the end of it.

Improving ourselves is exclusively a matter of changing our habits, and often from multiple angles.

To change big habits, start small.