I’ve realized habits are the mechanical, but we need our souls to be on board
indicate the importance of ATTITUDE, not just action or behaviorism
the ACT model is a great reality to point to
- without a central PURPOSE in mind, it means nothing
- the ACT model itself runs on the presumption of a meaningful thing, but it requires us to have the CORRECT meaning
- the majority of this world’s “wisdom” is basically long-term narcissistic satisfaction
THE MATRIX
divide out between the internal and external world
- external – what is apparent to everyone
- internal – what we do in our minds divide between favorable and unfavorable things
FAVORABLE INTERNAL: values – what and who we value who – beings we value (i.e., people, animals, God) what – tangible things we value qualities – attributes we live to stand by can be self-defined or defined by society UNFAVORABLE INTERNAL: unwanted mental experiences – things we don’t want Thoughts, emotions, urges, memories, cravings, feelings, physical sensations unwanted feelings: sadness, anger, fear, jealousy, shame, guilt, hopelessness, anxiety, grief out-of-place emotions self-destructive mantras fantasies of sin a vast range of our mental experiences are unwanted UNFAVORABLE EXTERNAL aka AWAY MOVES: what we do to avoid pain listen to music go to gym fantasize, either imaginary or future interact with a baby or pet go for a walk isolation talk to someone work eating video games alcohol/drugs all [substances] are away moves the more that you do an away move, the easier it gets to do as an escape FAVORABLE EXTERNAL: what we do to accomplish long-term goals appointments go to doctor eat healthy go to gym show up to family events pretend to be interested in kids’ activities show up to work spiritual activities
12-7
away moves: the things we do when we’re trying to get away from the interpreted-as-adverse experiences
isolation work drinking alcohol using drugs watching tv playing video games arguing yelling/screaming hurting other people’s feelings self-harm shopping gambling overeating/undereating planning/organizing oversleeping/napping listen to music gym
they’re all moving away from unwanted things
they’re not WRONG, but you have to keep asking: Does this put my values at risk?
it helps to understand WHAT your values even are
the more we try to control others, the less we can control ourselves the more we try to avoid uncomfortable experiences, the less we can control them
analogy: we’re all blindfolded, but with a bag of tools there are holes everywhere bound to fail, no matter what happens we are then in a hole the only tool we have is a shovel we try to get out with the shovel we start imagining how it’s not fair we’re in the hole, or how we got there we believe someone has an answer using a shovel we keep digging deeper and deeper what should we do with that shovel?
the away move is the shovel any new shovels will be the same problem
we have to claim responsibility with the situation we’re in
we dig because we want control
a huge aspect of all this is pure acceptance of the thing
- not that we’re doomed for the rest of our life there, but that it’s an inescapable reality that we don’t want to make worse
3-15
away moves are effectively as necessary as toward moves, mostly because of the state of crisis that comes with emotions
4-19
the matrix: values are who/what matters
4-25 self-matrix
Values – who/what matters
WHO
God Wife Kids Dad Church Sunny (at least as far as maintenance and wellbeing)
WHAT
Health Honor Truth Consistency Peace Communication Growth Understanding Boundaries Safety
QUALITIES
Honesty Integrity Kindness Loving Sacrificial
Towards Moves
Go to gym Write out essays Empty out tasks to do Apply for jobs Pray and find peace
Unwanted Mental Experiences
Anxiety Sadness Sorrow Depression Shame Despair Failure Grief, especially sporadic or triggered Envy Suicidal thoughts Craving binge eating Rationalizing/judgments on people Oversimplifying/generalizing broad patterns together
Away Moves
Lots of video games Anxiety activities (compulsive calling ppl, compulsive eating)
4-26
away moves are trying to move away from unwanted mental experiences
Start small
Attitude is the most essential thing, not aptitude.
Focus on only one straightforward, specific thing that takes less than 2 minutes to perform.
- Premeditate what you will do: “When X happens, I will do Y”.
Stay consistent.
- If you do one small thing every day, you’ll move faster than if you do a big thing once in a while.
- Slow is smooth, smooth is steady, and steady is fast.
- Aim for precision more than results.
- The structure of habits means it takes time to build them up.
Set reasonable goals that you believe you can achieve.
- Only go after the bigger ones after you do those.
- Even if it’s lame, aim to only do what you know you can achieve.
Often, before we get to physical habits, we may need to fix our mental habits.
- Start by never saying: “I should do [thing])”.
- We have a nasty habit of driving ourselves to misery through constant self-deception about who we are.
- Instead, divide out your desires into a clear syntax of observations, feelings, needs, and desires:
- [Observation] has happened…
- …which makes me feel [Feeling].
- I need [Need].
- Therefore, I now would like to [Desire].
- This, ideally, makes it very clear how to behave:
- “I lost my job, which makes me feel worthless. I need a new job. Therefore, I now would like to search for a job.”
- However, our mental habits from our past often complicate this:
- “I lost my job, which makes me feel worthless. I need a new job, which I don’t believe I can accomplish, and I have had trouble in the past, so I therefore hate myself.”
- The solution is to take it step-by-step and divide it out slowly:
- “I lost my job, which makes me feel worthless. I need a new job, which I don’t believe I can accomplish…”(WAIT, STOP RIGHT THERE)
- “I don’t believe I can accomplish the job hunt, which makes me depressed. I need a new job, but it’s hopeless…”(WAIT, STOP AGAIN)
- “I feel hopeless because I don’t believe I can work for anyone.”
- (Conclusion: I must change my belief about my incompetence)