Before anyone can change anything, every aspect of self-growth uses some rephrasing or another of a few blunt facts:
- Other people have hurt you, and it’s now your problem to fix inside yourself.
- Nobody cares about you as much as you do, with the possible exception of God.
- You’re fully responsible for what you do, even when you’re unaware, and you have no excuse.
- You’re currently reaping what Past You did, and Future You will feel what you are doing today.
- The limit of what you can do for yourself is how much you believe in yourself.
- Pain is always a sign that something is at risk, but that might be a good thing.
- No matter how you feel, you can do almost anything on these guides if you pay attention to your results and do the most with any successes you make.
Your journey is unique to you because your issues and the way you attack them will be unique.
Aim for Adequacy
It doesn’t really matter where you start. Changing something will create ripples across everything else, and accomplishing a later objective often requires the cumulative skills of previous years’ training.
You’re already “good” at some things, which you can spread across others to become “adequate” at everything:
- Being highly organized and happy can compensate for poor communication skills.
- Cooking and cleaning well can provide a decent-enough home, even if you can’t manage your time.
- Having tenacious perseverance and scrappiness can make up for terrible goal-setting.
- Great communication skills can offset barely functioning as a parent.
When you’re not good at something, the consequences get way worse as you get older. This means meaningful results that weren’t present before become harder to achieve as you age.
Don’t set high standards. I know from personal experience that I’m lousy at many things, and that’s human nature. Working on your failings makes your more redeeming qualities shine brighter, but you typically won’t become the master of something you’ve always sucked at.
Don’t Waste Your Time
Please do not read essays you’re already proficient in. I didn’t write this to be particularly entertaining, so please browse my other stuff instead. I occasionally update and add guides, but I’ve only succeeded if you’ve outgrown the usefulness of my content.
To save you the trouble of scrolling in impatience, I’ve also added a TL;DR (Too Long; Didn’t Read) version of what to do.
Start Small
Focus on only one straightforward, specific thing that takes less than 2 minutes to perform. Premeditate what you will do: “When X happens, I will do Y”.
Stay consistent. If you do one small thing every day, you’ll move faster than if you do a big thing once in a while.
Set reasonable goals that you believe you can achieve. Go after the bigger ones after you do those. Only try to do what you know you can achieve.
Always parse out your observations, feelings, needs, and desires, and never simply say, “I should do [thing]”:
- We have a nasty habit of driving ourselves to misery through constant self-deception about who we are.
- Instead, divide out your desires into the syntax of “[Observation] has happened, which makes me feel [Feeling]. I need [Need]. Therefore, I now would like to [Desire].”
- e.g., “I lost my job, which makes me feel worthless. I need a new job. Therefore, I now would like to search for a job.”
- However, our mental habits from our past often complicate this:
- e.g., “I lost my job, which makes me feel worthless. I need a new job, which I don’t believe I can accomplish, and I have had trouble in the past, so I therefore hate myself.”
- The solution is to take it step-by-step and divide it out slowly:
- e.g., “I lost my job, which makes me feel worthless. I need a new job, which I don’t believe I can accomplish…”(STOP)
- “I don’t believe I can accomplish the job hunt, which makes me depressed. I need a new job, but it’s hopeless…”(STOP)
- “I feel hopeless because I don’t believe I can work for anyone.”
- [therefore, I must change my belief about my incompetence]
Examples
If you don’t know where to start, here are some mix-and-match examples.
If you grew up in a good home:
- Learn how to succeed and stay humble.
- Discover many ways to save money.
- Develop cooking and basic housekeeping skills.
- Improve your speaking and writing skills.
- Learn to manage conflicts well and detect liars.
- Learn how to easily move as well as decorate and improve your house.
- Develop good party-throwing skills.
- Learn relationship skills, including dating and having a wedding.
If you’re a high school student or just starting out from your parents’ home:
- Get the right attitude about life.
- Learn about college and how to find a career.
- Find out what your parents should have been doing to not repeat their mistakes.
- Discover the parts of dating and marriage your parents didn’t tell you.
- Learn why managing money is important, especially with debt and budgeting.
- Find out how to spot good friends.
- Learn to cook for yourself.
- Learn basic first aid.
- Learn how to easily move.
- Get a general idea of how computers work.
- Get yourself organized and learn basic housekeeping.
If you’re starting a family or building your career:
- Learn what happiness is and how to maintain it.
- Learn why managing money is critical, healthy debt and budgeting, and how to save money on everything.
- Work on your image, learn tact, and build your speaking and writing skills.
- Learn how to find a career, sell your career, and interview.
- Plan a good wedding.
- Learn basic first aid.
- Learn how to get enough sleep.
- Expand your creativity and improve your memory.
- Learn how to move without too much misery.
- Learn how to have children and raise them correctly.
If you’re coming out of a divorce:
- Find contentment in what you still have.
- If the divorce involves money, learn how to budget.
- Make new and better friends elsewhere, and get a pet.
- Learn to cook for yourself.
- Discover how to move easily.
- Work on your weight and diet to prepare for dating again.
If you feel like a washed-out failure or stuck in a rut:
- Find satisfaction in good things, become aware of yourself, and learn to get enough sleep.
- Explore what success is, the right attitude you need, and worthwhile goals to pursue.
- Learn how to manage money, especially debt and budgeting.
- Learn how to find a rewarding career and make a good impression with employers.
- If you have kids, learn how to release them into the world.
- Discover why social skills matter and how to make good friends.
- Work on your weight and diet, and learn to cook for yourself.
- Learn to be more creative, organize yourself, maintain your house, and decorate it.
- Discover how to improve your memory.
- Get a pet.
If you feel like you never seem to have fun:
- Learn how to have fun and enjoy your vacations.
- Find contentment in what you have and get enough sleep.
- Look for the right kind of friends.
- Start dating new people.
- Improve your alcohol, coffee, and tea.
- Try to be more creative and learn to decorate.
- Get a pet.
- If you’re bold, throw a party.
If you think nobody cares about you:
- You might be miserable, homely, or rude enough that nobody wants to be around you.
- Define success for yourself.
- Start dating new people.
- Learn to get enough sleep and get a pet.
- Work on your weight and diet.
- Focus on finding good friends and having more parties.
If you’re coming out of prison or grew up on the streets:
- Make goals and learn to persevere against hardship.
- Learn why managing money is important, especially with debt.
- Learn hygiene on the outside, good boundaries, and which friends to choose.
- Work heavily on your speaking and writing.
- Understand how computers work.
- Expand your creativity, especially about your need for a legal job.
- Learn basic housekeeping and how to decorate your home.
- Learn how to find a job and handle homelessness.
- Find out what weddings are all about and the right way to raise kids.
If you’re coming clean from an addiction:
- Learn self-awareness and how to be happy.
- Self-regulate your hygiene and sleep.
- Start setting reasonable goals and learn to persevere.
- Learn how to find a career.
- Learn how to manage money, especially with debt and budgeting.
- Understand why people skills matter and focus on making new, better friends.
- Build your conflict management and lie detection skills.
- Work on your weight and diet, and learn to cook for yourself.
- Get yourself organized and clean your home.
- Learn responsibility by getting a pet.
Keep at it!
You can accomplish this. I promise. I don’t know you, but you obviously care to improve yourself because you’re reading this, which is more important than what you were born or raised with. Attitude is the most essential thing, not aptitude.
Slow is smooth, smooth is steady, and steady is fast. Aim for precision more than results. Rome wasn’t built in a day, and nothing worth doing is quick.
And, if you have all of those worked out, modern society has piled many additional skills onto these requirements.